We all want something.
And most of us know we can’t always get what we want.
When children are very young they have little concept of a world that exists beyond themselves. Their every need is tended to by their parents – as it should be – but as our children grow they must learn the rules of society, one of which is;
We can’t always get what we want and how to deal with it when we don’t.
When our children are toddlers, we parents will teach them to say, “please” and “thank you” and to share their toys. As they get older though, the rules we set for our children become more difficult to enforce and the lessons get more complex.
But some people never mature past the “it’s all about me” stage. Either their parents didn’t teach them otherwise or they were born with a pre-disposition to it.
Nature or nuture? I do not know but I believe maybe a bit of both.
As adults these people who feel a sense of entitlement - among other things - are called narcissists. And narcissism is an anti-social behavior. Duh.
Narcissists believe that they are entitled to have everything they want. They can’t see beyond that want and they will do whatever it takes to get it - even if other people get hurt in the process, because to a narcissist, other people aren’t even a consideration.
Many of us have seen how that plays out in some way – if even from a distance.
And like a child who throws a tantrum when they don’t get their way, when a narcissist doesn’t get what they want, they will throw an adult-size temper-tantrum, a tantrum that may or may not be more subtle and that does not always adhere to the laws and rules of society because in their mind, they are above that.
Therefore, associating with a narcissist can be hazardous to your well-being. Of this, I know.
Healthy people can also go after what they want but they do it differently, as is the way they react when they don’t get it.
The rest of us, who are not narcissists, know how to take our lumps when we don’t get our way. We may feel disappointed for a while but then we get over it and move on.
But a narcissist feels out of control when they do not get their way so they will do anything to regain that control.
To a narcissist, getting what they want equates being in control.
So when you find you are in a relationship with a narcissist - and you interfere with them having total control - you will have your work cut out for you.
I recently found this site which described it so well. Here is an excerpt that resonated with me:
"Narcissists are dependent on a significant other to provide the praise and admiration they crave. They are addicted to attention. Their life revolves around finding new ways to be noticed or recognized. Unfortunately, no matter what you do for a narcissist, it will never be enough.
A narcissist's life never measures up to the life he imagined for himself. He is out of touch with reality and eventually begins treating you as though he can hardly tolerate your existence. At the end of the day, you are merely there to stroke his ego if he doesn't get enough attention from the outside world. The rest of the time, he resents you for tying him down and has little respect for you because he is controlling, feels entitled and is subtly abusive to you."
If you are unfortunate enough to have a tie that binds you to a narcissist, like I do with my children’s fathers, this behavior is something you will always be dealing with.
And as the description above states, most likely there is at least one person in the narcissist’s life who enables their behavior, usually a parent or significant other – or both.
Could you be an enabler? Do you know someone who is?
Do you think narcissism is a learned behavior? Or is it genetic?
December 14, 2009
December 10, 2009
Single Mom Holiday Hustle & Bustle
I’ve been lagging again with the blogging but I suppose that’s typical this time of year. I wish I could say it was because I’m done with all my Christmas shopping but the truth is; I haven’t even started it yet.
I’m not too worried about it though since I have limited my gift purchasing to include only my kids and they already know not to expect much this year.
Here’ a glimpse of what’s been going on around Casa d’ Mindy (aside from the usual) over the last week:
I had a showing which brought on a day of housecleaning. My house is usually kept pretty neat and tidy but the deep cleaning i.e.; bathroom scrubbing, vacuuming, mopping and all the major stuff gets done when it gets done, lately that’s been prompted by a showing so it got done this week and took most of a day.
To my horror, when I pulled out the couch in the family room, which is where the kids hang out, I found all this underneath and behind it:
I’m not too worried about it though since I have limited my gift purchasing to include only my kids and they already know not to expect much this year.
Here’ a glimpse of what’s been going on around Casa d’ Mindy (aside from the usual) over the last week:
I had a showing which brought on a day of housecleaning. My house is usually kept pretty neat and tidy but the deep cleaning i.e.; bathroom scrubbing, vacuuming, mopping and all the major stuff gets done when it gets done, lately that’s been prompted by a showing so it got done this week and took most of a day.
To my horror, when I pulled out the couch in the family room, which is where the kids hang out, I found all this underneath and behind it:
On the upside I found about 4 pairs of LO’s missing socks.
But damn, kids are messy. Apparently hiding their junk is what they call cleaning! The scary thing is it’s only been a month since the last time I did this. I don’t brave looking underneath their beds but quarterly.
******
I picked up My Man from the airport after he’d been gone for five days and I’m not ashamed to say I feel like a giddy school girl right now. I can’t believe I resisted *going there* and opening myself up to Love for as long as I did.
But Love takes time. And the right timing.
******
I did manage to get the house decorated for the holiday and yesterday even bought our Christmas tree. It was pretty challenging to find a good tree when the entire selection was frozen but I did alright and the tree will be ready for trimming tonight.
And now that the house smells like pine, it’s really Christmastime.
Better late than never.
******
Speaking of frozen, the temps here have been in the single digits until yesterday (hence the late tree shopping) but now it’s warming up to around 30 degrees for the high. Brrr!
At least my nights have been warm and cozy!
I don’t want to jinx anything by saying so, but so far this December has been way better than in years past.
And how has the last month of the year been for you?
December 8, 2009
Things that make me go Hmmm?
Why is it that no matter how late I go to bed I will, without fail, wake up by 6 am? As I recently learned this happens even when I stay up till 3am. And it was brutal.
Where do all the lost socks go?
How come no good deed goes unpunished?
What does Sam Hell mean? As in; “Why in the Sam Hell do people say this?”
Why must women grow chin hairs after the age of 30? And why must they grow like weeds?
Why do nice guys finish last? Or do they?
Why are people afraid to speak the truth? And why are so many people afraid to hear it?
Some of the searches that bring people to my blog, including but not limited to; “sex with my mom”; “hot mommy needs a daddy”; and the most hilarious; “how to get out of paying child support”! Ha!
And speaking of people who read my blog, why would someone who is neither a blogger, nor a friend but knows me IRL and claims to have no interest in me and my life have the compulsion to read my blog every. damn. day? Isn’t that technically an obsession?
Coincidences. I don’t believe in them so the appearance of one makes me go “hmmm”.
How about you?
What things make you go, Hmmm?
Where do all the lost socks go?
How come no good deed goes unpunished?
What does Sam Hell mean? As in; “Why in the Sam Hell do people say this?”
Why must women grow chin hairs after the age of 30? And why must they grow like weeds?
Why do nice guys finish last? Or do they?
Why are people afraid to speak the truth? And why are so many people afraid to hear it?
Some of the searches that bring people to my blog, including but not limited to; “sex with my mom”; “hot mommy needs a daddy”; and the most hilarious; “how to get out of paying child support”! Ha!
And speaking of people who read my blog, why would someone who is neither a blogger, nor a friend but knows me IRL and claims to have no interest in me and my life have the compulsion to read my blog every. damn. day? Isn’t that technically an obsession?
Coincidences. I don’t believe in them so the appearance of one makes me go “hmmm”.
How about you?
What things make you go, Hmmm?
December 6, 2009
Being Unfaithful
Do all men cheat?
Do all women cheat?
Is the answer based simply on time and opportunity?
Or is it about integrity and character?
When I think of Tiger Woods’ situation I see a man who had it all; a successful sports career, a beautiful wife and family and like a gazillion dollars but he didn’t appreciate it. He needed more.
For whatever reason, he needed to cheat.
But Tiger Woods had the time and opportunity to cheat that many regular Joes don’t have. I know many men can say that they would never cheat, or haven’t cheated, but they also don’t necessarily have skanky hoes - I mean women - throwing themselves at him every day either.
So what about the married man with a flirtatious co-worker? He can choose to flirt back, ignore it, or speak up and tell her stop.
How many men do you think actually do the latter?
I’m thinking not many.
I’m also guessing that many married women in the same situation wouldn’t stop it either.
It takes a lot of self awareness, strength and integrity to honor your partner in all situations, but it’s impossible to do if you blur the lines between what’s appropriate and what isn’t.
It feels good to be appreciated, especially when you feel you’re not getting that from your partner. So when someone else is giving it to you, you like it. You may think it’s harmless but it’s not; its putting fuel onto a fire, opening a door, etc. It takes strength and integrity to walk away.
Then there are the people – men and women alike – who will seek the opportunity to have an affair and they have many reasons for doing so.
There is, however, a difference between those who seek an affair with a married/committed person and those who succumb to it given the opportunity but the choice to do so in both situations is ego driven.
That being said, I believe it’s far more common for women to “go after” a married man than the other way around.
I know first hand there are some women who get off on the power they feel from luring a married man away from his wife and family. These women will lie, manipulate and deceive him to do so but in her mind he chose her over the wife and feels it was for her instead of her manipulation of him.
And it is a manipulation if she knows he is married or otherwise in a relationship.
The other woman can make him feel good by simply telling him everything he wants to hear and having sex with him. This is easy to do when you’re not the wife who also asks him to take out the trash or play with the kids and whose mere presence reminds him of his responsibility and commitment - things he doesn’t have with the other woman - in addition to being his sexual partner.
He did have a choice though, and he chose poorly. To choose the *easy* way is never the *right* way. We all know that anything worth having is worth working for.
So to choose to be lead away from one’s commitment and responsibility to their spouse - and yes, sometimes that’s work - by the promise of something *better* (and not work) only shows that one does not have the strength or character to make what he already has better, that he needs someone else to do it for him, and that he is not an equal partner but a guest at his own party instead of the host.
I do know from experience that a man who believes his own press, so to speak, through his professional success can more easily fall prey by needing everyone to see him that way. It is rare that the person closest to him – his wife – can meet that requirement so he will look for someone else and surround himself with only those who will, and most likely not with his best interests in mind.
And in that case there are just two people using each other for what they can get from the other. A very shallow and pathetically sad way to live, in my opinion.
One that I have, thankfully, been relieved of.
“Success is getting what you want, but happiness is wanting what you get.” ~Unknown
Do all women cheat?
Is the answer based simply on time and opportunity?
Or is it about integrity and character?
When I think of Tiger Woods’ situation I see a man who had it all; a successful sports career, a beautiful wife and family and like a gazillion dollars but he didn’t appreciate it. He needed more.
For whatever reason, he needed to cheat.
But Tiger Woods had the time and opportunity to cheat that many regular Joes don’t have. I know many men can say that they would never cheat, or haven’t cheated, but they also don’t necessarily have skanky hoes - I mean women - throwing themselves at him every day either.
So what about the married man with a flirtatious co-worker? He can choose to flirt back, ignore it, or speak up and tell her stop.
How many men do you think actually do the latter?
I’m thinking not many.
I’m also guessing that many married women in the same situation wouldn’t stop it either.
It takes a lot of self awareness, strength and integrity to honor your partner in all situations, but it’s impossible to do if you blur the lines between what’s appropriate and what isn’t.
It feels good to be appreciated, especially when you feel you’re not getting that from your partner. So when someone else is giving it to you, you like it. You may think it’s harmless but it’s not; its putting fuel onto a fire, opening a door, etc. It takes strength and integrity to walk away.
Then there are the people – men and women alike – who will seek the opportunity to have an affair and they have many reasons for doing so.
There is, however, a difference between those who seek an affair with a married/committed person and those who succumb to it given the opportunity but the choice to do so in both situations is ego driven.
That being said, I believe it’s far more common for women to “go after” a married man than the other way around.
I know first hand there are some women who get off on the power they feel from luring a married man away from his wife and family. These women will lie, manipulate and deceive him to do so but in her mind he chose her over the wife and feels it was for her instead of her manipulation of him.
And it is a manipulation if she knows he is married or otherwise in a relationship.
The other woman can make him feel good by simply telling him everything he wants to hear and having sex with him. This is easy to do when you’re not the wife who also asks him to take out the trash or play with the kids and whose mere presence reminds him of his responsibility and commitment - things he doesn’t have with the other woman - in addition to being his sexual partner.
He did have a choice though, and he chose poorly. To choose the *easy* way is never the *right* way. We all know that anything worth having is worth working for.
So to choose to be lead away from one’s commitment and responsibility to their spouse - and yes, sometimes that’s work - by the promise of something *better* (and not work) only shows that one does not have the strength or character to make what he already has better, that he needs someone else to do it for him, and that he is not an equal partner but a guest at his own party instead of the host.
I do know from experience that a man who believes his own press, so to speak, through his professional success can more easily fall prey by needing everyone to see him that way. It is rare that the person closest to him – his wife – can meet that requirement so he will look for someone else and surround himself with only those who will, and most likely not with his best interests in mind.
And in that case there are just two people using each other for what they can get from the other. A very shallow and pathetically sad way to live, in my opinion.
One that I have, thankfully, been relieved of.
“Success is getting what you want, but happiness is wanting what you get.” ~Unknown
December 2, 2009
My Man & Vodka
Okay, okay, I was very vague in my last post. But since I have been getting the third degree from so many of you I will let you in on the secret:
I’m in a relationship.
There, I said it. Well, I guess I actually wrote it but anyway…
I changed my relationship status on Facebook last week and I received many different responses. It was quite amusing actually.
See, people who aren’t in my inner sanctum were very confused and justifiably so since I don’t write about my love life here on the blog. Sure, there are bits and pieces sprinkled in here and there but unless you are *in the know* IRL it’s hard to draw any accurate conclusions.
Usually when I write about relationships I write about my past experiences, things I’ve learned along the way or just general observations but I hesitate to write about my current relationships, so although this may seem sudden it really isn’t.
It’s a great story too, but one I’m not ready to reveal to the world yet. Maybe in time.
However, now that the cats outta the bag I can write about My Man when I feel like it.
So….
He’s been traveling the last few days and last night he called me from the airport while waiting to board his plane home.
Here was how our conversation began;
Me: Hi! Whatcha doin’?
Him: Just sittin’ here drinkin’ vodka.
Me: You’re drinking vodka?
Him: No, I’m not drinking vodka. What made you think I’m drinking vodka?
Me: Isn’t that what you just said when I asked what you were doing?
Him: No. (he laughs) I said, “just sittin’ here thinkin’ bout cha.”
Glad we got that cleared up.
And I like what he said much better than what I first thought he said!
I’m in a relationship.
There, I said it. Well, I guess I actually wrote it but anyway…
I changed my relationship status on Facebook last week and I received many different responses. It was quite amusing actually.
See, people who aren’t in my inner sanctum were very confused and justifiably so since I don’t write about my love life here on the blog. Sure, there are bits and pieces sprinkled in here and there but unless you are *in the know* IRL it’s hard to draw any accurate conclusions.
Usually when I write about relationships I write about my past experiences, things I’ve learned along the way or just general observations but I hesitate to write about my current relationships, so although this may seem sudden it really isn’t.
It’s a great story too, but one I’m not ready to reveal to the world yet. Maybe in time.
However, now that the cats outta the bag I can write about My Man when I feel like it.
So….
He’s been traveling the last few days and last night he called me from the airport while waiting to board his plane home.
Here was how our conversation began;
Me: Hi! Whatcha doin’?
Him: Just sittin’ here drinkin’ vodka.
Me: You’re drinking vodka?
Him: No, I’m not drinking vodka. What made you think I’m drinking vodka?
Me: Isn’t that what you just said when I asked what you were doing?
Him: No. (he laughs) I said, “just sittin’ here thinkin’ bout cha.”
Glad we got that cleared up.
And I like what he said much better than what I first thought he said!
November 30, 2009
Post Break Blog Blank
A lot has been going on lately and my head is filled with many thoughts but nothing I want to blog about yet, if ever.
Believe it or not I actually do keep some things to myself. ;)
Unfortunately all of these thoughts dancing around in my head right now keep me from being able to think of much else to blog about.
It’s all good though – and exciting too!
Otherwise…
Thanksgiving week/weekend was very busy; lots of friends, great food, & fun. Good times for sure and much to be thankful for.
Coco was here over the break and I barely saw her but she’ll be back again soon for the winter break. It's interesting, this relationship I have with my now 'legal adult' daughter. Just another new phase to motherhood, I suppose.
Some of the major stressors of the past year have been closed out but I do still have a lot on my plate as well as the nagging feeling there is something else looming and ready to replace the current ease and peacefulness that I am feeling right now with more stress.
But then, why wouldn’t I feel that way? A small reprieve from the ex/legal bullsh*t before the next wave hits has been the pattern for almost 8 years.
Or maybe it’s just that December is here and it has historically been a very bad month for me.
Could this one be different? Better? I sure hope so.
Despite my foreboding I am looking forward to Christmastime with my friends and family. It will be very tight financially this year (like the entire Christmas on credit) but I know I can make the most out of it. And how could I not do Christmas?
Streamlining the expense of this holiday has actually made me appreciate it even more than I ever did before (and it is my favorite holiday).
It’s also quite possible this could be The. Best. Christmas. Ever.
Go figure.
Hope my kids think so too.
Believe it or not I actually do keep some things to myself. ;)
Unfortunately all of these thoughts dancing around in my head right now keep me from being able to think of much else to blog about.
It’s all good though – and exciting too!
Otherwise…
Thanksgiving week/weekend was very busy; lots of friends, great food, & fun. Good times for sure and much to be thankful for.
Coco was here over the break and I barely saw her but she’ll be back again soon for the winter break. It's interesting, this relationship I have with my now 'legal adult' daughter. Just another new phase to motherhood, I suppose.
Some of the major stressors of the past year have been closed out but I do still have a lot on my plate as well as the nagging feeling there is something else looming and ready to replace the current ease and peacefulness that I am feeling right now with more stress.
But then, why wouldn’t I feel that way? A small reprieve from the ex/legal bullsh*t before the next wave hits has been the pattern for almost 8 years.
Or maybe it’s just that December is here and it has historically been a very bad month for me.
Could this one be different? Better? I sure hope so.
Despite my foreboding I am looking forward to Christmastime with my friends and family. It will be very tight financially this year (like the entire Christmas on credit) but I know I can make the most out of it. And how could I not do Christmas?
Streamlining the expense of this holiday has actually made me appreciate it even more than I ever did before (and it is my favorite holiday).
It’s also quite possible this could be The. Best. Christmas. Ever.
Go figure.
Hope my kids think so too.
November 25, 2009
Giving Thanks
What I write about on this blog varies greatly.
From chocolate recipes to sex,
Kids and friends,
Dating, relationships
Child support, deadbeat dads and exes,
Single parenting, poetry...
And the list goes on.
You never know what you’re gonna get when you visit my blog. Heck, sometimes I don’t even know what I’m going to write when I sit down with my laptop and start typing.
Although every post is a piece of me - and no matter how revealing I may be sometimes - there’s no way a few hundred words per post could ever express the entirety of my life. My blog is merely a glimpse (sometimes a bigger one than others) but never the whole picture.
That being said, what I share here I know many can relate to, and many cannot.
My purpose in starting my blog was to connect with those of you who can – even if that connection is made only through reading my words. Sometimes just knowing that someone understands is enough.
I am very grateful for my blog and the friends I have made as a result of it.
I am thankful for your comments, support and encouragement as well as some healthy debate.
And outside of this blog?
I am thankful for…
My four wonderful, beautiful and unique daughters
And for my one-on-one time with each of them
My friends
Evenings out with friends, great food and wine
And the generosity of my friends who make that possible right now
I am thankful for my knee-high, black leather high heeled boots that make me feel sexy and always fit.
A good night’s sleep
Experiences had and lessons learned
Bubble baths by candlelight
The wisdom and kindness of others
Snow storms watched from under a blanket by the fire - preferably with someone special
My health and that of my kids
Independence, Determination, Resiliance
Courage, Compassion
Love
There’s a lot more I could list here but this will do for now.
I hope you all have a fabulous Thanksgiving and know that there is always much to be thankful for.
From chocolate recipes to sex,
Kids and friends,
Dating, relationships
Child support, deadbeat dads and exes,
Single parenting, poetry...
And the list goes on.
You never know what you’re gonna get when you visit my blog. Heck, sometimes I don’t even know what I’m going to write when I sit down with my laptop and start typing.
Although every post is a piece of me - and no matter how revealing I may be sometimes - there’s no way a few hundred words per post could ever express the entirety of my life. My blog is merely a glimpse (sometimes a bigger one than others) but never the whole picture.
That being said, what I share here I know many can relate to, and many cannot.
My purpose in starting my blog was to connect with those of you who can – even if that connection is made only through reading my words. Sometimes just knowing that someone understands is enough.
I am very grateful for my blog and the friends I have made as a result of it.
I am thankful for your comments, support and encouragement as well as some healthy debate.
And outside of this blog?
I am thankful for…
My four wonderful, beautiful and unique daughters
And for my one-on-one time with each of them
My friends
Evenings out with friends, great food and wine
And the generosity of my friends who make that possible right now
I am thankful for my knee-high, black leather high heeled boots that make me feel sexy and always fit.
A good night’s sleep
Experiences had and lessons learned
Bubble baths by candlelight
The wisdom and kindness of others
Snow storms watched from under a blanket by the fire - preferably with someone special
My health and that of my kids
Independence, Determination, Resiliance
Courage, Compassion
Love
There’s a lot more I could list here but this will do for now.
I hope you all have a fabulous Thanksgiving and know that there is always much to be thankful for.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
